“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
You Might Also Like
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!