These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
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I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
i wish i could marry a nap
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die