SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
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Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.