good for her
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
*praying for world peace*
God:
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.