I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
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I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
they finally got him. they got macavity
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
synchronized noseblowing
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”