Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Ion see the issue
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.