My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
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Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
If snakes were wide
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Damn what did I do next
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?