Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
You Might Also Like
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Breaking news:
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
A game married people play.
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
had to share :’)
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen