1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
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At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?