*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Can’t stop laughing
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
oh my gosh!!
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?