Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
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Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
How dramatic are you?
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die