The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
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Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Worth remembering.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have