People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
You Might Also Like
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I’m sorry…what?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR