RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
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November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.