I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
My current situation
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
Friends that check up on you >