If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
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With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I’d use my best pan on you.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk