A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
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Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security