If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
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“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over