*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …