When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
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I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Carpe DM
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.