Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
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I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
“no gods no masters” = leo
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.