[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
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MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]