From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
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I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?