Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season