i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
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I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.