Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
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them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you鈥檙e homeschooled now.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can鈥檛 walk down stairs
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey鈥檚 Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
hitman: clearly you can鈥檛 afford my rates so i鈥檓 referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
me: goodnight moon 馃檪
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 馃檪
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
I made you something special for Mother鈥檚 Day, my kid threatened.
I needed a laugh this morning.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I鈥檝e made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts