A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
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“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over