I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
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The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I love you…
…r dog.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”