On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
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I think about this a lot
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.