Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
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[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Great acting.. 😂
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect