date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
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I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.