[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
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Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse