Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
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Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
New favorite tiktok
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap