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When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
*praying for world peace*
God:
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.