If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I need a headline like this
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
He a real one for that
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
meanwhile over on facebook
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.