Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Me trying to look natural in photos
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
From Facebook just now…
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)