Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
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what are they serving at kfc then???
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
wait.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup