How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
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This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!