*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
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Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
yes, those are my real potatoes.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??