That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
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My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
When can I start eating bats again.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system