I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
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My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.