Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
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8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Watson was Holmes schooled
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
What is going on? 😅
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it