The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
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In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Something Saturday.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
A leaf blower, but for people.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.