God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”