There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
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Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.