Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
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I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh