The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
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If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”