Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
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Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code