Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
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out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them