*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
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One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.